The Old Love

You always think back to the beginning of a love.
That feeling that makes your stomach hurt.
Simply because you can’t explain it.

Love in the later years is not the same.
It is a deeper love.
It is not boiling out of you, because that love has become so rooted in you.

Once rooted in you; never again can you not feel that person.
Forever in your memories.
Always great until the end.

Long after that it will hurt.
Then it will make you question.
Then finally one day it will be pleasant.

A piece of your past ingrained in your soul.
For better or worse.

Three Year Love Letter

I loved you for three years.
You were my longest love.
You were the person I had consistently loved for three years, wow.
No questions in my head, no doubt in my heart.
You were the one I had planned to love forever.
Somehow, now I will only have loved you for three years.

Are there reasons it ended?
When thinking back….

It was a slow gasp, or whimper you can say, for love.
I wanted your love for longer than three years.
I wanted to be 50 and cheersing beers.

However, losing your love, the one I can’t explain, is why I ended it at three years.

I still had you. My partner, my best friend, my lover, my boyfriend.
Never before you came along did I truly make every decision as if we were one. Situations now not only affected me, they affected us. You were mine and questioned it something I never did.

Let me explain why I knew you were mine forever.
The feeling I had inside told me you loved me as much as I loved you. I had never felt a love come from someone that became so rooted inside me. The true feeling that comes with being loved.
They call it a deep love, because it goes further inside you than you can explain. It wraps around every gut reaction you feel. It tangles through your heart and creates a constant warmth.

You genuinely would do anything for my happiness. Never simply because you were falling in line, but because you enjoyed whatever it was too. You knew you were making me happy. When you can feel how much someone loves you without thinking about it, that is when you know there is something special.

To never question, never worry, only concentrate on returning the love.

Losing that is why we only had three years. No longer were your actions backed by passion. No longer were you happy just to see me smile. I still never questioned weather you would leave. I questioned why you stayed.

It hurt when you stopped staring at me. It hurt when simple eye contact stopped making you smile. It was devastating when the deep love inside, I could never explain, could not be felt any longer.
Never had I felt that feeling before, and then it was gone once again.
A feeling I will never be able to describe. It was true love, you were my best friend.

I never wanted to leave, but I had nothing left to lose.

Hopeless Romantic

When being a hopeless romantic you fall hopelessly into a downward spiral of dreams, love, kisses, hugs, fights, tears, longing, and sadness.

When being a hopeless romantic, you fall hopelessly for the wrong. You fall easy and you fall fast. You fall for the smoke and mirrors, the dance, the sweet nothings, the carefree love that you love so much.

When being a hopeless romantic, time is of the essence. You question nothing and you ask for everything. You want the love we as humans have created in our minds. We have created a love that is non existent, but perfect in every way.

When being a hopeless romantic, flowers can stop your tears and wash away the wrong that was done, without a resolution. Their smile can make you say yes when you should say no. The way they know to touch you will make you melt, and want to be hopelessly be held for eternity. When they say they love you all other things fade away, and you hopelessly fall again.

When being a hopeless romantic you will forever be the one who loves more, gives more, cares more, wants more, hurts more, needs more. Which means, you love to hard, care to much, want more than they want to give, move to fast, and at the end of the day hurt more than they know possible.

Being a hopeless romantic will allow you to experience a new love more intensely than others, laugh harder than most, explode with passion in a way that will set you free, look into a lovers eyes with more meaning than they will ever understand, and forever love faster than anyone will be able to handle.

For all of us who are the hopeless romantics in this world, you simply need to find someone who is just as hopelessly in love with you.

Always to late, because I over think

Tears do not fall.
Pain is in my body and yet the tears do not fall.
I lay in silence and await to have them stream from my eyes, down my cheek, and finally to dry on my pillow.

My brain scatters, it hurts as I ramble in my head. An obsession with questions that can not be answered for days.
As I sit here in sadness why can I not shed a tear.
How is it possible for my stomach to drop a thousand feet at the sight of you and her, and yet not a drop in the form of a tear.

I have been confused since day 1. Feeling things while telling myself others.
Blocking what could be so I can focus on what should be.
When it became real I torched it in flames. Your emotions became the unintentional fuel.
I did not intend to use your heart in an ill form. I simply have not found what my heart is searching for.

My confusion increases at an incredible rate. My life swirls into a downward spiral.
Balance has been lost, and you have pulled me only in one direction.

The one directions full of questions with no answers. Full of heart break that comes from a place I have never known and still can not find.
Lost in this wilderness of emotions I feel as though I am being eaten alive, and no one can see because I am dreaming.
Lost in a world that has no reason, a world I wish was a dream, but everyday I re-awake to an immediate drop in my stomach.
The feeling has become so consistent it is driving me crazy. However crazy is where I have been for a while and I see no light at the end.

A vortex with a perpetual spin.
Finding peace with my motion surly will arrive soon.
Acknowledge the crazy so you can fix it, get over it, or loose yourself in it.

Cry as often as needed is what I tell myself.
Now I only want to shed some tears, allow them to fall, and allow my sadness to flow out and come to relization that I truly am hurt.
I have hid my feelings for so long they are buried in a place I can not find.

I want to cry and feel my sorrow. Even when our heads choose to ignore and avoid, our hearts always win.
Our hearts leave that longing feeling, our hearts somehow tie our stomachs into knots, our hearts make us weak at the knees, our hearts will always win.

However tonight my heart has lost, for my brain ruined everything before I could say I love you.

You are to late

I watch you from a far. Your sadness radiates from you.
I want to help, but I am the cause of your pain.
I broke your heart to make mine whole again.
At what point does someone need to choose their own happiness over having to hurt someone else.
I never had these intentions it just worked out that way.
I fell out of love and you didn’t even notice.
I think that is what hurt the most.
When sadness radiated out of me you couldn’t see it.
You had your blinders of being content.
You assumed you had me forever.
You stopped working for me.
You stopped doing special things for me.
You stopped seeing the worth in me.
Now you lost me.

I hit a point where the emotions just stopped.
No longer was I sad, no longer was I angry.
I simply felt nothing when it came to you.
I warned you there would be a breaking point.
I point where I was simply over it.
Once again you wrote me off, and then when that point came you were caught off guard.

Acting as though this came out of no where.
It is as though I was standing in a room yelling I was unhappy
and every one noticed, but you didn’t even look up.

What hurt the most was that I couldn’t even get you to acknowledge my emotions.
I hurt so much and the person who is supposed to be there for me literally let me cry myself to sleep.

Now I am the bad guy, because I let you go.
Now you want to talk about things.
Now you care that I am sad.

You are to late.

Forever

As the night lingers on, so does your smell. I didn’t expect to see you here, and now your gone after only one beer.

Is it a pleasant surprise to be around you for even ten minutes, or an evil reminder of what I have lost after three years.

I smile as your face enters my view, and my stomach drops once again as your back slowly disappears.

You have moved on and I stand all alone.
Wishing and waiting like it will all just fall back together.

All I want to do is everything I didn’t that made me loose you.

You spoke and I wrote it off. You cried yourself to sleep and I didn’t hug you and wipe away your tears.

Thinking I had you forever and forgetting forever is continually earned not attained after a period of time.

Will the want for you ever disappear. Will the hope always fill me every time I see your sweet smile.

You now have another who fills the spots I missed, touches the places I used to kiss, and I still allow myself to get pissed.

I want to hate you, but my love is so much stronger.
I want to never see you again, but I can’t lie, I search for you every where I go.

I wanted you to be my forever, and I have now forever lost you.