Three Year Love Letter

I loved you for three years.
You were my longest love.
You were the person I had consistently loved for three years, wow.
No questions in my head, no doubt in my heart.
You were the one I had planned to love forever.
Somehow, now I will only have loved you for three years.

Are there reasons it ended?
When thinking back….

It was a slow gasp, or whimper you can say, for love.
I wanted your love for longer than three years.
I wanted to be 50 and cheersing beers.

However, losing your love, the one I can’t explain, is why I ended it at three years.

I still had you. My partner, my best friend, my lover, my boyfriend.
Never before you came along did I truly make every decision as if we were one. Situations now not only affected me, they affected us. You were mine and questioned it something I never did.

Let me explain why I knew you were mine forever.
The feeling I had inside told me you loved me as much as I loved you. I had never felt a love come from someone that became so rooted inside me. The true feeling that comes with being loved.
They call it a deep love, because it goes further inside you than you can explain. It wraps around every gut reaction you feel. It tangles through your heart and creates a constant warmth.

You genuinely would do anything for my happiness. Never simply because you were falling in line, but because you enjoyed whatever it was too. You knew you were making me happy. When you can feel how much someone loves you without thinking about it, that is when you know there is something special.

To never question, never worry, only concentrate on returning the love.

Losing that is why we only had three years. No longer were your actions backed by passion. No longer were you happy just to see me smile. I still never questioned weather you would leave. I questioned why you stayed.

It hurt when you stopped staring at me. It hurt when simple eye contact stopped making you smile. It was devastating when the deep love inside, I could never explain, could not be felt any longer.
Never had I felt that feeling before, and then it was gone once again.
A feeling I will never be able to describe. It was true love, you were my best friend.

I never wanted to leave, but I had nothing left to lose.


Always to late, because I over think

Tears do not fall.
Pain is in my body and yet the tears do not fall.
I lay in silence and await to have them stream from my eyes, down my cheek, and finally to dry on my pillow.

My brain scatters, it hurts as I ramble in my head. An obsession with questions that can not be answered for days.
As I sit here in sadness why can I not shed a tear.
How is it possible for my stomach to drop a thousand feet at the sight of you and her, and yet not a drop in the form of a tear.

I have been confused since day 1. Feeling things while telling myself others.
Blocking what could be so I can focus on what should be.
When it became real I torched it in flames. Your emotions became the unintentional fuel.
I did not intend to use your heart in an ill form. I simply have not found what my heart is searching for.

My confusion increases at an incredible rate. My life swirls into a downward spiral.
Balance has been lost, and you have pulled me only in one direction.

The one directions full of questions with no answers. Full of heart break that comes from a place I have never known and still can not find.
Lost in this wilderness of emotions I feel as though I am being eaten alive, and no one can see because I am dreaming.
Lost in a world that has no reason, a world I wish was a dream, but everyday I re-awake to an immediate drop in my stomach.
The feeling has become so consistent it is driving me crazy. However crazy is where I have been for a while and I see no light at the end.

A vortex with a perpetual spin.
Finding peace with my motion surly will arrive soon.
Acknowledge the crazy so you can fix it, get over it, or loose yourself in it.

Cry as often as needed is what I tell myself.
Now I only want to shed some tears, allow them to fall, and allow my sadness to flow out and come to relization that I truly am hurt.
I have hid my feelings for so long they are buried in a place I can not find.

I want to cry and feel my sorrow. Even when our heads choose to ignore and avoid, our hearts always win.
Our hearts leave that longing feeling, our hearts somehow tie our stomachs into knots, our hearts make us weak at the knees, our hearts will always win.

However tonight my heart has lost, for my brain ruined everything before I could say I love you.

One day.

For tonight once again I wonder what the hell I am doing.
The overwhelming feeling of failure won’t leave my mind.
The need to succeed is almost paralyzing my movement.
I need to move forward, but I question every step.
I need to take the jump with my eyes closed, but I keep looking down.
I keep focusing on the landing, and not the fall.
When you want something so bad that it hurts, well it fucking hurts.
You know the determination you have.
The knowledge in that think skull of yours.
Some how you are too eager. You want it too much.
Now I am truly confused.
I don’t know where to go, and when I find a path I start to sprint.
They only want a jog, they are thrown aback.
I am too much, this is the story of my life.
One day they say.
One day.