So here we are again alone in my bed.
My thoughts and I spooning the rambles running around in my head.
When leaving someone you love there is that moment it syncs in.
When the dust settles and you are lying alone in y’alls bed.
Alone with no one to hold you.
Alone with no one to say your random thoughts to.
Alone to warm yourself up.
Alone to cry yourself to sleep.
The night seems longer.
The sleep seems shorter.
The dreams seem sadder.
The bed feels bigger.
Still sleeping on your side.
Leaving a gaping space next to you.
Reminding you of whats no longer left of you two.
Before this night you stayed on the move.
Blinding your mind with constant interactions.
There comes that night when no one can be there for you.
There comes that night when you cry yourself to sleep for the first time.
There comes that night when you realize your all alone.
Awww the games of the business world. May the best player win. I had this idea in my head that things would be more mature once I entered the business game. Smarts and reason would prevail and the most talented would succeed. WRONG. In this game you take high school and times it by ten. Now there is the factor of power. Power only comes from your title. Your title in all actuality has nothing to do with how good you are. It has to do with what you pulled to get yourself there. Maybe you are a liar. Maybe you simply find your ways to take out the people in your way. Maybe you buddied up and your friend promoted you. Maybe you sucked dick all the way up the ladder. Either way no one gets there on pure merit. I was naive to think otherwise. I thought doing the right thing and pointing out the wrong things would get stuff done. I was wrong because the people above didn’t get there that way. They got there by bullshiting and when I call them on there bullshit they really don’t like that. Back to the power aspect of this game they use there power then to try and shut you up and bring you down. I am a person who likes to move very fast I don’t waste my time dicking around. I have already worked for one company that actually did things on merit. I was an intern who won a trip to home office. I was awarded many things while in training. I succeed when talent and hard work are actually noticed. I don’t succeed when it is all a game. I am here to work not to suck up to you and make you feel good about yourself. only 6 months into the world and I will give it to them. They were able to bring me down because I spoke the truth and called them out on whats wrong and they didn’t like it. Well see the thing is I am smarter than you and I have already figured out your stupid bullshit.
Three months to take me down and make me feel as though I am not doing something right or good enough. One month to figure out this is a game and how to play. Let us see how long it will take me to crawl back up and go where I want to go now that I know the rules.
Two years ago began the spiral of my soul leaving my mind. The two years before that I couldn’t have been more connected with myself. I did what I wanted, I joked when I thought something was funny, I jumped around for the hell of it. I was me and nothing stopped me from being that way. I found my best friends during this time period. I found the love of my life at this time period. I felt as though everyone I met was a friend and had something to offer. My friends were in abundance and the shenanigans never stopped. Truly the happiest I have ever been. I was even kicking ass in school. Then I lost my self. I went into the corporate bullshit. I couldn’t dress the way I wanted. I couldn’t talk the way I wanted. I couldn’t even have friends because my interest and life story are not “accepted”. Fuck that and Fuck you. I pretended to be someone I wasn’t at a job I tried to pretend didn’t exist in my life for over a year. 4 months after quitting I feel like I can’t find myself again. I lost all my friends, I lost what made me, me.
I found myself for three and half years in college. The only time I was actually accepted as myself. Never told to tone myself down. Never told I come on to strong as a person. Never told what I wanted or was doing were wrong. I loved it, I took full advantage and soaked it up.
Today is four months since I quit that job. It took me two weeks till I felt I could actually smile again. A month before I rediscovered the hobbies I once loved. Music which has always ruled my world was absent in my life. I went to put on music and only knew artist from my favorite two years. Not a single new artist in the past year. WHAT THE FUCK. That was my life to find new music, and I hadn’t found one artist in over a year.
How far gone I was, no one has any idea. They never knew me before. They would have loved me. They would have wanted to be my friend. But I am not that person anymore. I long to find myself again. I am so tired of having to think about who I am. No one should have to analyze there personality and who they will be, how they will act. You should be you and who you are should come organically.
My goal: To be myself again. Two years to take me away, I suppose it will be two years to get myself back. Four months down, 20 to go.
Have you ever sat alone in hopes that you wouldn’t be alone for long?
Have you ever starred at a person you didn’t know in hopes they would look your way?
Have you ever spoke to a stranger in hopes you could make a person smile with your words?
Have you ever been so happy when a person simply nods their head in your directions as the lowest form of hello?
The acknowledgment from others that we long for comes in so many forms. When you hit your low a strangers brush of a shoulder can be the only human contact you receive that day. The only stimulation that will take you through the night to wake up another day. The world is a lonely place, we have heard this in books, in songs, in movies, and yet when you hit the point of understanding what they are saying it hurts so much worse.
Here stands a man, alone in this world.
Surrounded by friends, but never taking their hand.
He lost his best. He lost his daughter. He lost his friend.
The hole can not be filled. Try try try all you can.
A new female has arrived. Her own things that block her from the world.
Tell me your story and I will tell you mine.
Both searching for what was taken away.
Both afraid of what could be lost again.
Brought in from the outside. Drunken advice I had to give.
I want to give him hope, but it is so far away.
Do I lie, do I speak the truth, do I say nothing at all?
My friend who I do not know. I hope you the best.
I see your pain, I feel your hope, and want the best for you.
So here I am feeling all alone again.
With spring should come happiness, and with happiness should come smiles.
Here I am again the muscles in my face paralyzed. A smile, even forced, is only half a smile to me.
Three years now and it never seems to be, the spring that it should be to me.
The warmth begins to hit my skin and the sunlight blinds my view. But only on my outer shell, turning my skin a darker hue.
Unexplained as I sit in pain with no one that knows what I’m about.
I will fake my dance and take a chance that maybe I can pull out.
This time of year seems to bring the strain, never the same but still its pain.
Here I am feeling all alone again, with no answers in my sight.
Every year I wait for spring and the joy it will bring.
My brain may be able to trick me into thinking it won’t be the same
but..Every year when this time comes, I never anticipate the sting.
The people in America today are just pathetic. Complaining has become one of the worst plagues to infect America in our recent years (besides obesity sadly). Our nation is lazy, fat, and complainers. I believe all three things are connected. When I was a child (I’m 22, not that long ago) we begged our parents to stay outside after the streets lights came on. Now one of the largest campaigns taking place in the U.S, is to get children to spend at least 60 minutes outside a day. WOW really, and parents this is your fault. Parents have given up on parenting. It is easier to drive through a fast food restaurant, rather than cook a healthy dinner. It is easier to buy your kids a video game to play all day and night, than take them to soccer practice. Lazy lazy lazy. You are making your kids FAT for one thing, and your teaching them awful habits.
Now a days if someone slightly gets injured, it is blown out of proportion and becomes yet another reason to be lazy. sitting around complaining about their “hurt” knee and how “thats” the reason they can’t do anything. Why are people so blind to allow this kind of childish behaviors. Cut the bullshit, get over it, and get back to work. Everyone seems to have an excuse for everything. Ever heard the saying ” excuses are like butt holes, everyone has one and they ALL stink!!!” America doesn’t know what hard work is thanks to technology. Sadly instead of embracing technology it has simply made our world even more lazy. “A machine can do that for us” is soon to be the American modo!
Lastly I am tired of poor people complaining! They complain about this and that and how it’s the governments fault or how that CEO is being paid to much money…blah blah blah bitch bitch bitch. If they were to spend half the time they spend complaining working they might actually make a life for themselves. You know how people become high ranking in the government, or how a CEO comes to earn millions a year? NOT through complaining!!! These are the people in the world that saw challenges and did not complain, but overcame those obstacles. No one likes a complainer. Do you feel this will get you attention or make people feel bad for you?? Let me let you in on a little secret…I HATE COMPLAINERS and so does EVERYONE ELSE!!!!
If our world would stop making excuses and complaining about every little thing, we might just have a shot at a wonderful life.
Don’t complain about being fat while eating a double cheeseburger from McDonalds.
So in this world there are so many things that happen. In this world there are also so many things that I want to say!! So this blog is simply a day to day of what happens to strike my interest. Topics will vary, mood will vary, and everything else in between will be discussed. LETS RANT!!!