Today

When you have a long standing sadness, it becomes more than a hurt. It becomes a consumption of your mind, your heart, and your body.
Your mind no longer wonders freely. It wonders sadly. It wonders where the source of the pain is. It wonders how to fix the pain. It wonders why the pain is lasting so long. Why this particular pain won’t leave you alone.
I have had things happen in my life that I tell myself I have dealt with. I tell myself I am past them. I tell myself I am ok.
Today I sit here alone, sad, and unsure. Unsure if I am ok from it all. When I think of it I do not feel a sense of peace. I feel a sense of pressure. A pressure that comes from with inside. A single tear hurts the most. A single tear means I want to be ok, but I am not.
For the first time in my life I am alone. My family is 12 hours away, I have hurt and ran away from every guy that cared for me. My best friend, the one person in the entire world that I thought completely understood me, walked away.

Where does one stand when everyone has walked away. Alone. I was always the happy person. I always saw the positive. I never thought I would be the person who has cried everyday for three weeks straight. I never thought I would be the person alone.

Is this the sadness I have avoided my entire life. As each horrible thing took place I redirected and pushed it away. I was so good at putting on a face. I played happy for so long I had truly convinced myself I was. I used my obsession with other people to avoid myself. I focused solely on them. No time to think of my own problems. If they were happy I was happy.

Maybe one day I will figure it out. One thing I know. Dealing with yourself is much harder than dealing with others.

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