Two years ago began the spiral of my soul leaving my mind. The two years before that I couldn’t have been more connected with myself. I did what I wanted, I joked when I thought something was funny, I jumped around for the hell of it. I was me and nothing stopped me from being that way. I found my best friends during this time period. I found the love of my life at this time period. I felt as though everyone I met was a friend and had something to offer. My friends were in abundance and the shenanigans never stopped. Truly the happiest I have ever been. I was even kicking ass in school. Then I lost my self. I went into the corporate bullshit. I couldn’t dress the way I wanted. I couldn’t talk the way I wanted. I couldn’t even have friends because my interest and life story are not “accepted”. Fuck that and Fuck you. I pretended to be someone I wasn’t at a job I tried to pretend didn’t exist in my life for over a year. 4 months after quitting I feel like I can’t find myself again. I lost all my friends, I lost what made me, me.
I found myself for three and half years in college. The only time I was actually accepted as myself. Never told to tone myself down. Never told I come on to strong as a person. Never told what I wanted or was doing were wrong. I loved it, I took full advantage and soaked it up.
Today is four months since I quit that job. It took me two weeks till I felt I could actually smile again. A month before I rediscovered the hobbies I once loved. Music which has always ruled my world was absent in my life. I went to put on music and only knew artist from my favorite two years. Not a single new artist in the past year. WHAT THE FUCK. That was my life to find new music, and I hadn’t found one artist in over a year.
How far gone I was, no one has any idea. They never knew me before. They would have loved me. They would have wanted to be my friend. But I am not that person anymore. I long to find myself again. I am so tired of having to think about who I am. No one should have to analyze there personality and who they will be, how they will act. You should be you and who you are should come organically.
My goal: To be myself again. Two years to take me away, I suppose it will be two years to get myself back. Four months down, 20 to go.